Chapter 29: The Peace Summit
As we continued siphoning off power from the sleeping Dragon, our society grew exponentially. We made scientific advancements that would have taken us hundreds of years on our own. We even learned to tap into something called a Gateway, an interstellar highway of sorts that spanned throughout most of the universe.
Traveling through the Gateway, we could even return to Ancient Earth in a fraction of the time that it took to get to our current home. Instead of hundreds of years, it would take mere months. But just as our society evolved, so too did our problems.
“Of all the ambassadors to pick for these negotiations, why Senator William Randals?”
Saria Kaves was far from a good mood. Just when she started to feel relief at opening negotiations with the Ministry of Water, she finds out that their ambassador is none other than William Randals, one of the most hated men within the Ministry of Fire.
“It’s almost like they want endless bloodshed on their hands. I was willing to forgive the fact that they sent a Mystic into our ranks to spy on us and abduct our Grunts. If I’m being honest with myself, I still want to kill them all for even thinking of messing with our precious children … but I let it go for the sake of peace so the Empire wouldn't spiral down into anarchy. However, this is simply too much to stomach!”
Saria slammed her fist into her desk, creating a plasma discharge that lit up the room and smashed her desk to smithereens. Realizing her mistake, Saria knelt down into the wreckage until she spotted her favorite feathered quill. Fortunately, it remained undamaged. Saria exhaled in relief.
It hadn't been the first time she destroyed her desk in a fit of rage only to find the precious quill still intact. As much as she hated to admit it, Saria could still hear her mentor’s many lectures in her head, almost as if he were there scolding her like he used to.
An Elemental does not act from wrath, he used to tell her. Let your anger fade and the answer will become clear for you.
Easy for you to say, you old charlatan, Saria responded to the voice. My anger is the only thing keeping me from losing my mind to that THING! You had Balvor. You didn’t have to fight a war inside your own head all the time.
As if on cue, Saria started getting a headache. Though pretty mild compared to what it used to be, but the pain still irritated her nonetheless. Saria silently forced the ‘thing’ in her head into submission. Even more annoying was the fact that she had to resort to teachings from him in order to calm her emotions. After everything they had accomplished together, how could he just abandon the Ministry in its greatest time of need? Saria loathed her weakness of keeping the quill he left behind … and worse, missing his companionship.
I don’t have time to think like that right now. I’m the Minister of Fire. Everyone inside this dome is depending on me. Saria let the anger drain from her body the way he had taught her to.
Still clutching the quill in her breast, she opened her eyes to see a terrified Eramar. In fact, every clerk in the room had stopped their work as they gaped at the Minister warily. This kind of occurrence wasn't entirely uncommon, but then, Saria never really discharged her psions like that too often.
She had to keep her psions under control, especially during emotional times. If she failed to do so, then a disaster might happen that could permanently harm the Ministry. In many ways, the powers of the Wielders were tamed in comparison to her own.
“I apologize for my outburst, Eramar … everyone. You were saying?”
The tension cooled down a bit, and everyone resumed working as if nothing had happened.
Eramar cleared his throat and put on his mask of tranquility once again. “As I was saying, I don’t think that it's Sorric’s intent to propagate further hostilities between our districts. Despite the charges put against him in the past, William Randals remains a trusted emissary of the Ministry of Water, as well as one of their few allies in the Imperial Senate.”
“He’s also suspected of supplying arms against us to the Ministry of Lightning during the second uprising of the lesser Ministries.”
“It was never proven that Randals was trafficking weapons to the Lightning Elementals as a means of gaining a foothold into Fire Elemental territory for the Ministry of Water.”
Despite the yoga techniques that she had used earlier, Saria found herself becoming angry again. “It was never fully disproven either. And besides, from what I’ve seen of the man, he’s just the type to be a secret black-market dealer.”
Eramar pinched the top of his nose much in the same way he would were he with a student. Saria found that amusing considering the fact that she was the man’s elder by more than a few centuries.
“The matter was resolved years ago. The Imperial Courts judged him innocent of all charges.”
Saria scoffed. “Oh, like those bunch of slag-eaters have as much sense as Dragon dung. You know as well as I do that the courts are far from infallible, even in those days when Chissler wasn’t running the Empire into the ground.”
Eramar took a deep breath before responding. “Don’t you see? This is obviously some sort of test from Sorric.”
“A test?”
“Yes. He purposefully chose a mediator that you would disapprove of to see if your desire for peace is genuine.”
“Aack! That manipulative old goat! As devious as he was during the last war.”
Even if Saria hated it, she had to make this peace work for all of their sakes. Folding her hands together over her mouth, Saria took one last look at the blue quill and made up her mind before she could second guess herself.
“Very well, but it’s better we limit the number of people who know about this. Randals is still remembered with contempt among many people in this district, not just the Fire Elementals. Just mentioning his name could start a riot.”
Eramar nodded in agreement.
“And I want this thing over and done with before the final exams for the Grunts start. We don’t need this business interfering with the development of our up-and-coming Elementals.”
“I couldn’t agree more,” said Eramar, obviously thinking of his own ordeal of training Ryan Uruks.
“Achoo!” sneezed Ryan as he sat down for dinner with Thomas Madison and his family.
“I heard that when you sneeze, it means someone is either talking about you or thinking about you somewhere,” said Thomas between mouthfuls of macaroni and cheese.
“If that’s the case, then they’re probably bragging about how awesome I am, right my apprentice?”
“Whatever you say, master,” replied Thomas in a slightly slurred voice, obviously more interested in eating than in conversation.
Thomas had invited Ryan to join him and his family for dinner at the civilian’s quarters in the northernmost region of the dome. Ryan had no idea that there were actual families living at the Ministry, which made him wonder what other things about the Ministry he didn't know.
Apparently, Thomas was among the Grunts who had families living in the Ministry itself. In fact, there were many families in the Ministry of Fire, all of them generational Elementals. It blew Ryan’s mind that Elementals could even settle down and have a family.
From his understanding of the Elementals, they seemed too … well … militaristic. But here was an actual Elemental family, and not one of them treated him like a freak or a reject. It made Ryan sad because it reminded him of his own home a bit, but he tried not to let his feelings show so as not to spoil the evening.
They sat in a circular dining room with a round, wooden table in the center. The walls were gray steel and had a very homely feel to them. The room was big enough to hold a whole house, decorated with all kinds of vases of every shape and size along with the furniture.
Ryan couldn't know why a family this small needed so many couches, and some of the couches came in the weirdest shapes. One was red and shaped like a tube, and another was pink and twisted into a sort of spiral shape. Ryan wondered how anyone could sit in such a thing, but he guessed it to be more decorative than practical.
Even more peculiar were the art pieces on the walls made of fire, electricity, and lava making the room feel like a frying pan. Strangely, the energetic art displays that hung from the walls and the ceiling didn't seem to affect the room’s temperature, or at least not so much as Ryan could tell.
The Elemental art projects displayed many events of Elemental history: from two Elementals dueling in gleaming armor with swords, to great battles fought against the alliance of the dark races. Creatures of all shapes and sizes adorned the walls as well. There was a squid made out of fire that actually appeared to swim around the room. In another corner, there was a rodent-like creature made of lightning floating around lazily that Mr. Madison said was an otter. All in all, perhaps the strangest home Ryan had ever known
“So, tell me, Thomas. How did you and ‘Master’ Ryan meet?” inquired Thomas Madison’s mother with a good-humored inflection.
Mrs. Madison wore sparkling earrings shaped like seashells and a pearl necklace that Ryan thought his own mother would just go gaga for. She had mid-length brown hair, dark, brown eyes like Thomas, was short and slightly portly, but still pretty enough for a woman of her … um … well, years.
Ryan wasn’t very good at guessing a person’s age and he didn’t want to give his best estimate lest he offend her. From what Ryan had learned from hanging out with Éclair, women were pretty sensitive. Just one of the many reasons that Ryan felt justified in classifying all women as weird.
Before Ryan could respond to Mrs. Madison’s question, Thomas interjected. “He blew me up!”
Mrs. Madison became confused. “What?’
“I think he's referring to that ‘accidental’ explosion on the training fields a few weeks back,” lied Ryan. “The one that put Thomas into the hospital.”
Thomas scratched his chin in thought. “Oh, that’s right. Ryan saved me!”
Mr. Madison dropped his fork in shock. Mr. Madison kind of looked like Thomas, the same pudgy kind of face, the same styled hair, short and military appropriate. He was a pretty big guy with a little bit of lard in the yard, but he seemed alright.
“Thomas, you never mentioned that it was this boy who saved you.”
Thomas scratched his head, obviously a bit confused by the memory wipe he’d been given. “Oh yeah. I guess it just slipped my mind.”
Simultaneously, both parents got up to thank Ryan. Mr. Madison had a vise-like grip on Ryan’s hand and shook it vigorously. “You saved my boy’s life! If there’s anything I can do for you, son, don’t hesitate to ask.”
Mrs. Madison rubbed her hands through Ryan’s hair while pinching his cheeks profusely. “You are welcome here anytime you like. You can even look at my special collectible couches and vases that aren’t on display. Anything for the man who saved my boom-boom cakes.”
“MOM!” shouted Thomas, his cheeks going red.
“Oh, such a funny story about how he got his nickname, boom-boom cakes. Well, it all started when he was a baby, and one day we found a very strange diaper full of-”
“That is to say, we are eternally grateful,” interjected Mr. Madison. “Thank you, Ryan. If you ever need anything, just ask. I may not look like it, but I still got some pull in the Ministry even though I’m retired and put my warrior days behind me.”
Ryan spoke up before he started turning purple again. “Thanks, Mr. Madison. I’ll keep that in mind.”
“HEE, HEE, HEE!” giggled Suzy, Thomas’ little sister.
The child was a little over two years old with short brown hair, the same color as her mom’s, and a big gap in her teeth whenever she smiled, which happened often. Ryan tried to be manly and not get caught up with cute things like girls do, but when he saw that little girl, with her dimples and her big, innocent eyes, Ryan inwardly said, ‘AWWW!’
“Funny boy, funny,” said little Suzy, giggling in delight and clapping her tiny hands together. “He turn purple.”
“Oh, don’t be silly, Suzy,” said Mrs. Madison. “It’s just a trick of the light.”
Ryan regarded the child with a newfound respect. The kid’s got sharp eyes.
Fortunately, little Suzy preoccupied herself with shoving pieces of macaroni up her nose, to which a panic-stricken Mrs. Madison attempted to dislodge said food item.
Mr. Madison turned towards Ryan with a sudden intensity that made Ryan feel uncomfortable. “Join me for a walk, Ryan?”
Mr. Madison got up to leave and Ryan followed, unsure of what to expect. Thomas helped his mother remove the macaroni from Suzy’s nose, but the two-year-old proved quite resistant. As Ryan walked alongside Mr. Madison, he got the faint feeling that the man was sizing him up.
“You’re Richard’s kid, aren’t you?”
Even though it shouldn’t have surprised Ryan by now that people here knew his father, he suddenly felt a jolt like someone had pulled a carpet out from under his feet. “You knew my dad?”
Mr. Madison smiled whimsically. “Oh, I reckon that there’s not many old-timers like me who didn’t know your father. At least, what they thought they knew about him.”
“What do you mean?”
Mr. Madison shrugged and said, “Well, your father was a different kind of Elemental. He wasn’t like me or most other Elementals. Most of us do a certain amount of years of service, and then if we want, we can retire to seek other work within the Ministry, or anywhere in the Tarrus Empire besides military work.”
Ryan frowned in confusion, prompting Mr. Madison to explain.
“Some of us become clerks or medics working here at the Ministry. Others go into business with the merchants. There’s lots of work to be found at the Ministry other than training and fighting. However, if you do choose to leave the Ministry and live among civilians, you have to have your powers suppressed. But that ain’t so bad considering that many former Elementals go into politics afterwards. After our years of service, my wife became an accountant, and I myself went to work in the Sanitation Department here at the Ministry
“Oh, I see,” said Ryan.
So even Elementals have plumbers. Who knew?
“So Elementals can get married, raise a family and stuff, like my mom and dad did? There’s no laws of celibacy or something like that?”
Mr. Madison nodded. “Yes, Elementals are not expressly forbidden from marriage. Although many choose to wait until their years of service are done like me and Martha did. Active duty as an Elemental is just dangerous.” Mr. Madison paused to take a drink from his coffee that he carried with him. “Now, Richard, he was doing even more dangerous assignments for the Ministry other than the standard forces, assignments only reserved for those who achieved the highest tier of Level Four. Those kinds are truly a rarity. I only made it to the mid-tier of Level Two myself.”
Ryan could hardly even imagine what a friendly family man like Mr. Madison would look like battling criminals and hostile aliens with who knew what kind of powers he possessed. But what interested Ryan most concerned this newfound knowledge of his father.
Finally, someone willing to talk about him. I’ve been asking the adults for months, but none of them even gave me a hint, not even Eramar. I figured that my dad must have been a secret agent in the Ministry or something. Which brought him to another question he wanted to ask.
“What about my mom? Do you know anything about her?”
“Well, I never met your mother personally,” said Mr. Madison. “In fact, I only found out about her only after … uh … after…”
Ryan hung his head. Only after they were both dead. Wanting to change the subject, he quickly said, “How many years does an Elemental have to serve before they can choose to retire?”
Mr. Madison seemed relieved to be able to talk about something else. “Well, it varies from person to person depending on the assignments they complete. Five to ten years I would say for most. But that's only for those who are under Level Four.”
“Why? That seems unfair.”
Mr. Madison nodded apologetically. “Well, you see, after Level Four, your Elemental prowess has reached such intensity that you attain immortality.”
Ryan’s eyes popped. “Immortality?!”
“Well, partially, yes. You age much slower than other humans, sometimes reaching hundreds, even thousands of years in age. But, of course, you can still die by normal means. Even in this day and age, with all our technology and all our knowledge of Elemency, death remains an inescapable fact of life.”
“Oh,” said Ryan, whose head drooped again. Just for a second, he had almost convinced himself that his parents might still be alive.
Not noticing Ryan's reaction, Mr. Madison continued his explanation. “Now, the Elementals of Level Four and above, they are the elites … the best of the best in Elemency. They take their oaths of immortality knowing that they will be unable to retire like normal Elementals, at least not until they’ve become so old that they can no longer use Elemency.”
This alarmed Ryan for some reason. “But they can still get married, right?”
At this, Mr. Madison's expression turned grave and troubled. “Yes, but it is slightly uncommon. Elementals who take the oath of immortality are not in it for a relationship, usually. It's a sacred covenant meant only for those who have pledged their lives to carrying on the legacy of our Ministry.
“And with it comes even greater danger than being a regular Elemental like you or me. In the underworld, the space pirates have set a billion credit bounty on the head of any Elemental at Level Four or higher. In some countries across the stars, it's law to kill any human or Elemental on sight, but to capture all Fourths alive.
“It has long been speculated on how to scientifically explain the near immortality of the Fourths and to replicate that process somehow. Personally, I don’t see what’s got everyone so worked up about it when the natural life span of many alien species is well beyond that of even the oldest of Elementals. Look at the Dragons, for instance … or even the Elves.”
“Wait! How old is the Minister of Fire?”
Mr. Madison grinned mischievously. “Well, not many people know this, but Saria is actually close to her tenth millennia.”
“Millennia? Wait a minute, that is…” Ryan took a few minutes to think it over. He gasped. “Holy Crap! That’s almost ten thousand years old! Saria’s a hag … an extremely pretty hag.”
Mr. Madison laughed a little. “Yeah, but don’t go spreading that around, and don’t ever say that in her presence. She’s a little touchy about her age, you know, as most women are.”
Ryan started twiddling his fingers together, a little nervous about his next question. “Can you … can you tell me any more about my dad, like why he left the Ministry? Did it have anything to do with my mom? Was their relationship frowned upon or something?”
Mr. Madison had a pained expression that made Ryan sympathize with him. “I’m sorry, Ryan. I wish I could help, I really do. But I can’t tell you any more than I already have. That’s all I know about your father. Considering what a great man he was, I wish I could have known him better, and your mother as well.”
Ryan knew that Mr. Madison told the truth, but that didn’t necessarily mean he told the whole truth. He got that vibe a lot around the Fire Ministry.
Sighing in resignation, Ryan said, “Yeah, I thought you might say that.”
Suddenly a crash from the kitchen caught Ryan’s attention. Ryan and Mr. Madison walked through the disintegrating doors just as a vase fell to the floor from the ceiling. Personally, Ryan was glad for the distraction, even if it came in the form of a little girl floating up to the ceiling and playing with a floating jellyfish made out of lava. Mrs. Madison and Thomas reached desperately for the child, trying to coax her down with ice cream offerings.
“How is she-”
“One of the advantages of raising a daughter possessing Elemency from birth,” explained Mr. Madison as he hurried to help his distressed wife. “Elemental powers usually awaken between ages five to ten years, but Suzy’s a bit of a special case.”
That bothered Ryan. Why didn’t he have Elemency at birth when both his parents were powerful Elementals? And why did it take him even longer to awaken his powers than normal? As both Mr. and Mrs. Madison reached for their child, who giggled with delight while floating on the ceiling, Thomas walked up to Ryan like this was just a normal part of family life.
“So, have you started studying for the exam?”
“Well, yeah, I guess,” said Ryan. “I mean, if you call constant training with Eramar, Tork, and Grafael studying? Then yeah, I’ve been studying my butt off.”
“No, I mean the written part of the exam,” said Thomas in alarm
Ryan started to laugh at the joke, until he saw the serious expression on the kid’s face. “Are you serious?
“Master, you mean you really didn’t know? I mean … I assumed you knew since you’re the one taking the exam and all. Professor Grain thinks I’m too young to take it. But all applicants are required to take a written exam as well as a practical one to test their knowledge of Elemental history and concepts.”
Panic started to well up in Ryan. He had been homeschooled, and even then, he hated having to take exams. He hadn’t had to do that stuff in years, and now his entire career as an Elemental hung in the balance.
Gripping his scarlet hair in both hands, Ryan fell to his knees, turned his face to the heavens, shouting, “WHY?!”
“For those of you who haven’t figured it out yet,” said Professor Grain, giving Ryan an evil, twitching eyebrow. “The qualifying exam into the First-Level of Elemental mastery will be both practical and written. I trust your mentors to help you with the practical side, which only leaves the written part of the exam.
“And no, before you get your hopes up, I will not be helping any of you in the slightest. How you pass the written part is entirely up to you and your knowledge of Elemental lore. Be warned, you must pass both parts in order to qualify as a First-Level Elemental. Do not take this exam lightly. Many applicants in the past have been sent packing. I can tell you with certainty, this exam will be the pinnacle of your success thus far in the whole of your short and unproductive lives.”
Ryan would usually be thinking of ways to get out of class right about now. However, he felt so nervous after hearing that he would have to do something intelligent during the exam that he sweated like a pig.
Professor Grain still had that sneer on his face that made him look like an angry stump as he continued, “As you know, there is a limited number of openings for First recruits at the present. So even if you do pass, you are not guaranteed status as a First. But you are guaranteed a seat to take the exam again next year, that is if your spirit hasn’t been broken. So only those with the best scores on both parts of the exam will be considered for entry.”
Ryan’s eyes popped with dismay. What?! So not only do I have to compete against the system, I have to compete against these guys too. That’s unjustifiable!
Unwillingly, Ryan scanned the competition around the room. Normally, Ryan didn’t pay much attention to his surroundings, often being scolded by Eramar for his oblivious nature, but now he felt certain that at this moment, ignorance was bliss.
They weren’t in their usual classroom. They were in a much larger space at the top of one of the skyscraper-like trees. A spiral staircase from the base of the tree led up to the very top, where they sat in a bowl-like platform that looked a lot like a giant bird’s nest.
Instead of eggs were hundreds of desks full of applicants. It was now a week before the exam, and all the Grunts in Grain's class who had qualified for the exam had been summoned. Professor Grain recently grew three long hairs on his head that stuck up in the air, giving him the slight appearance of a chicken. Ryan had to contain his humor at the sight of Professor Grain all semester, which wasn’t easy. Now the Professor had transformed into the chicken of doom as he pranced about smiling wickedly at Ryan’s fate.
Even more frightening were the other candidates. Almost all of them were a lot older than Ryan, and meaner too. As far as Ryan knew, most of the Grunts here had already taken the exam several times and failed, which made him the rookie. All their eyes burned into Ryan’s, silently telling him that he was doomed to fail. Seeing all the bloodthirsty Grunts allied against him, whose fighting abilities and Elemental knowledge went far beyond his own, Ryan felt like a sheep in a den of wolves.
Finally, Professor Grain finished the lecture, smiling maliciously. “The exam will commence in one week’s time in the training field 147E. For those of you who are navigationally challenged, E means the eastern section of the dome,” said Grain while pointing a bony finger to the right. “To the few who survive the practical exam, you will come to join me here for the written exam. May the Caretaker have mercy on your souls.”
Ryan got up and walked down in a daze, thinking of all the ways he could end up flunking, or worse, getting kicked out of the Ministry all together. As he made it to the bottom of the stairs, he barely even noticed the huffing form of Nanny Eliza until he ran straight into her and fell right on top of her.
“Well, I suppose we can start now, but most young men ask me to dinner first, dearie,” said Nanny Eliza irreverently.
Just the sight of Nanny Eliza scared Ryan out of his stupor. Screaming in terror, Ryan quickly extracted himself from the flirtatious old woman and found the nearest trash bin to throw up in. He wretched into the bin without restraint.
“I understand I evoke powerful feelings in the men around me … but usually, not that powerful.”
Gasping for breath and wiping puke from his chin, Ryan said, “Lady, you don’t know the half of it.”
Despite being tackled by Ryan, the old woman got up quickly and gracefully. She batted her ugly eyelashes and said, “Don’t you have something for me?”
Still kneeling next to the can, Ryan glanced around for her companion. “Where is Cedr-AACK!”
On cue, a powerful hand lifted Ryan from the garbage can and started brushing him off. Cedric seemed to have a distressed expression on his face as he held Ryan and dusted him like one would a dirty carpet.
Nanny Eliza rolled her eyes and said, “I do apologize, but Cedric is a bit obsessive-compulsive, and can’t stand to see anything out of order, especially people. Best not to mind him and just let him be. He’ll stop once he’s satisfied that you are clean.”
Ryan began to see what she meant as the man patted off every inch of Ryan, even the places that weren't very comfortable to be touched. From his past experiences with these two, Ryan was hardly surprised.
Hoping to distract himself from the fact that there was a man examining his unmentionables, Ryan asked. “What is it you want? I’m a little disoriented right now, so could this wait?”
Nanny Eliza huffed indignantly. “And after all the trouble I went through for you, this is the thanks I get? Well, maybe Cedric and I will take our valuable information to someone more appreciative of the cleaning staff.”
Suddenly remembering their last conversation about gathering information, Ryan became interested. “Wait, wait! You mean you found something out about that Zand guy. Or maybe the exam?”
“No, and no,” replied Nanny Eliza.
Ryan groaned, removed himself from Cedric’s grasp, and walked away
“But I did find out about something very important and secret that’s going to happen today.”
Ryan stopped, his curiosity piqued. “What kind of secret thing?”
“If I knew that, it wouldn’t be a secret. All I know is that it’ll take place in the council chambers. It took some doing figuring out which council chamber, but I finally narrowed it down to the east wing of the volcano. Whatever it is that's going on should take place within the hour. Mayhaps, it pertains to that which you seek, you naughty little boy, you.”
Ryan’s mind started to reel. Despite the fact that so many other things commanded his attention at the moment, he felt intrigued by this news. Whether it pertained to his problems or not seemed irrelevant. Something significant was going down, and Ryan knew that he had to be part of it. The adventurer in him would not be denied the need to explore. Besides, maybe this pertained to the exams somehow.
“This might have something to do with the written part of the exams. Elementals are supposed to seek out the mysteries of the universe and stuff. I bet this is all part of the test somehow. Thanks, Nanny Eliza! You’re a jewel,” said Ryan as he started for the volcano.
“Aren’t you forgetting something?” called Nanny Eliza in irritation.
Ryan stopped in his tracks and gulped. He hadn’t forgotten, but still desperately wished to avoid the horrors that were soon to follow. “Can’t we do this another time? I don’t want to be late for the secret meeting thing that might help me pass the exams.”
Nanny Eliza put her hands to her hips and made an unhappy face. “You know, Cedric here is kind of a stickler for the rules, and he gets very upset at those who don’t follow them; especially those who break their promises.”
Cedric cracked his knuckles forebodingly and started making rude, threatening gestures with his hands. Either that, or he was inviting Ryan to dinner; hard to tell considering his bizarre form of sign language.
Ryan groaned, finally accepting the tortures that were to come. “One kiss, and on the cheek, that was the agreement.”
Eliza didn’t seem to be listening as she obtusely pulled out some lipstick and rubbed it on her horrible lips. When she finished, she smiled at Ryan seductively. “Whatever you say, dearie.” She started making kissing sounds with her big, red puffy lips. “Pucker up!”